THE hurricane

My blog isn’t professionally written and probably not technically a blog since I don’t write daily, weekly, monthly or any other type of consistency.

My blog is to write about what I’m going through as I battle #HighGradeAggressiveNeuroendocrineCarcinoma …really going through. No more sugar-coating it for others that can not accept the fact that I am going to die from this.

It’s about the battles I face like losing my job, my family, my friends, watching my daughter struggle enough with this world than to add this to her life at 12 years old and now at 16 and has days she has to take care of me like a child and my life as I knew it to be which may not be such a bad thing since I reflect on what my life has been and as I go through the stages of grief learning through therapy and God why I have made the mistakes I have in my life and why I am left day in and day out alone, by myself most hours of the day and night to battle this horrible terrible monster that will eventually win……………………………………IF I LET IT.

I fear on a daily basis that it is going to be THE day any day and I am unsure of how much more of this hurricane known as fear I can take before I completely give up?  How much more emotional, mental, physical, etc. abuse can one take before they crack? Before they pack their bags and leave….nowhere to go and no money to leave but no reason to stay where they are?

Let’s just not talk about NET cancer. Let’s talk about ALL the horrific effects it has on one’s entire life even though most do not want to hear it because they can not handle it while those of us lucky to still be living with it do (the longest I’ve found is 8 years with my type High Grade Aggressive Neuroendocrine Carcinoma

I am quickly losing faith that I will have anyone standing by my side at the end. Anyone that truly cared for me and about me while I fight this horrible disease for many many many different reasons.

I don’t know how I’m doing it but I AM.

Surgery Day

I have been trying to figure out how to write about today and just can not bring myself to. So, I will share with you in pictures what a great support system I had on this day surrounded by family, dear friends and lots and lots of new and old friends supporting me from afar…..

Beside, this very meaningful day is more important to me because it’s my niece’s 9^th birthday! 🙂

Pre Surgery

Lorna’s post

CJT-S’s post

in recovery

pain in control…lol

grateful for those that were there for me

cont’d from :grateful”

BOOMER SOONER

Me…2014/2017

Game Day

Me…2014/2017

Me, Steph n Kelly 2015

Greatest day ever….at the time 2015

Backing up a few months, I met someone through an online dating app that would play an important role in helping me get through my life changing event.

We had already been trying to meet up somewhere even though he was from Tulsa, he worked out-of-state. While I did find him handsome, it was his kind words and not disappearing on me after having learned of my fate that pulled me in and made my heart aflutter. He also had an understanding of what I was going through because his father had passed several years prior of colon cancer. Bonus was that he too was an OU fan and made arrangements to drive down from Iowa just to spend the first OU home football game for us to meet, hang out and have a great day/night the weekend before my surgery.

For this, I say “Thank you Kelly.”

He’s been in and out of my life for the past 2+ years and although he no longer plays a role in my healing, he will probably never understand just how much he means to me and what I learned from him.

My 2 cents: The heart wants what the heart wants. I fell in love and never ever would change a thing despite the heart break* . I love hard. I love deeply and for that I will always hold a torch for him because to truly love someone means to do so unconditionally and expect nothing in return. If you are out there (and I know you are) reading this Crazy Uncle Kelly, I truly wish you the best and hope you find whatever it is you’re searching for. You always know how/where to find me…XOXO, Kung Fu Ninja Master

 

*Just can not bring myself to write about the details of my heartbreak and I’d rather choose to take the high road by remembering the good while letting go of the bad.

 

The next 2 weeks

As you can imagine, I was pretty taken back after receiving the phone call telling me that I had cancer.  Well, to add to this, I was told that they did not know what kind of cancer and my biopsy had to be sent to the Mayo Clinic to find out what type of cancer I had.

My (former) employer told me to take the week off to be with my daughter and family and we would make a plan when I had more information so I did just that not worried about losing my job.

I spent the next week with my daughter, neices, sister and parents.  We swam, had sleep overs and spent lots of fun family time together. However I had so much going on in my head it was very difficult not to tell my daughter what was going on.

Then, I had a candid talk with my employer because he said that after talking with his attorney he found it was best to terminate me and I should sell my house and apply for SSDI right away because I was going to have more medical bills than I could ever imagine.  WOW! This was a shocker especially because I was ready to get back to work and focus on moving forward while I waited to find out what type of cancer I actually had and create a treatment plan.

After much though, I called him up and brought up those facts and asked if I still had a job. He hesitantly replied “Yes I will always have a job with his companies.” So I went back to work and you could cut the tension in the office with a knife.

After a few days, he let me work ALL DAY before calling me in his office to tell me that he had another meeting with his attorney and he was sticking by his decision to terminate.  When I asked on what terms he was letting me go, he got extremely mad, turned beet red and started yelling at me saying that I had missed too much work and if he let me get away with that he’d have to allow everyone else. WHAT? I remained calm and asked him where he came up with all the days he claimed I missed and questioned his records 1. because I had started tracking when I was gone, how many hours I was working and the days/times I had made up for things like when my daughter was sick and I had to pick her up from school as well as all the days/nights/extra hours I put in doing others jobs because that’s the kind of employee I am.  Even with the sick days and vacation days I was allowed and including the week I had taken off, I STILL had 8 more days off to use.

I calmly stood up and proceeded back to my desk to pack up my things while my assistant sat at her desk just feet away obviously very uncomfortable yet also glad to see me go because she was very obviously not happy that I was still there…I”m sure he had already promised her my position.  While gathering my things (assistant still sitting at her desk), my employer came and stood in front of my desk and yelled “and if you think you’re going to fight me on this, I’d seriously reconsider!”

The assistant walked off at this point clearly uncomfortable and the AP/AR employee that was just around the corner never came out and said anything or bothered to check on me….we had become close as our children went to the same school.  My other close coworker also never even bothered to mention anything to me or ask if I was okay.

I kept myself together never once raising my voice or otherwise and walked out of there with my dignity in tact despite the very wrong doings.  I had much more important things to deal with than arrogant money hungry greedy male chauvinist pathetic excuse for a man.

It was time for me to move forward.

Cancer…but what type?

One never really knows how they will respond to hearing life threatening news about one’s self and WOW was I not prepared for my reaction.

I have NEVER been so out of control and unable to stop sobbing after hearing that I had cancer. In addition to this news, I was informed they had to send my biopsy off to the Mayo Clinic because the doctors here did not know what kind of cancer….talk about pouring salt into an already open wound!!!

Events that followed immediately after the phone call:

I returned to my desk where 3 of my co-workers gathered trying to comfort me as I told them the information I had just received.

My boss, the owner of ALL 3 companies in which I worked as the Administrative Manager, text 2 co-workers to let me know that I can go home for the day and not to worry about the time missed being counted against me (this will be important to note due to the work related events that occur over the next couple weeks after this day).

As I tried to calm myself down, I had to call my sister and tell  her to get my daughter out of the house because I just could not go home and tell my then 14-year-old child her mother has cancer and that is all the information I knew.

 

Diagnosis Day

Today started out like any other Friday. Woke up at 4:30 a.m. to get to ASCS* and lead the group workout for 30 minutes before I dashed home to shower, get myself and my daughter ready as we head to her school* followed by me scooting her out of the car so I could get to my job.

My job.

I started 8 ½ years prior as a part-time receptionist answering phones for 2 separate medical product manufacturer companies owned by one man.

I quickly worked my way up to a full-time position and became an Administrative Clerk 2^nd to my boss and 3^rd to the owner in which position I was first to arrive and last to leave on many of most of my days there. Several years earlier, the owner built storage units around our office/warehouse and I found myself with the title of Administrative Manger now and running the administrative side of 2 separate businesses and co-managing the storage units with the Production Manager.

NOTE: I no longer dwell on the past (as best as possibly human) and choose to take the higher road so many things that happened in between my first day and how I got to my final position may or may not be brought to light later in my posts.

2 years ago today was a Friday, like any other day.  I sat down to turn on computer while checking voice mails and getting orders off the fax that had come in overnight flowing right into getting them entered and to the production team to begin our daily routine. My assistant was there a bit early that day. As the clock neared 9 a.m., her usual time to arrive, I received a phone call from Norman GastroenterologyAssociates and heard the voice of Dr. Holbrook on the other end so I quickly let my assistant know I’d be in another office taking the call……..little did I know it would alter my life forever.

Cancer. I have cancer.

*All Saints Catholic School Norman, OK U.S.A.

Neuroendocrine: High Grade (Aggressive)

My Journey with Neuroendocrine

Hello! This is my very first EVER blog.  Please bare with me as I attempt to take you along my journey with High Grade (Aggressive) Neuroendocrine Cancer.

I would like to help others diagnosed with this rare cancer to know that they are not alone and spread the word to let the world know about every aspect that comes along with this terrible and deadly diagnosis from diagnosis to treatment and living with this nasty cancer.

Thank you for reading and hope to share more with you very soon!

***This is MY personal experience and NOT medical advice.